


I guess I wanna be loved (and all the shit that comes with it)

by gaygerardkeay



Category: Trailer Park Boys
Genre: Big Gay Love Story, Car Sex, Drinking, Fix-It, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self-Indulgent, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-02 12:10:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20275702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaygerardkeay/pseuds/gaygerardkeay
Summary: "Fuck. I think I'm gay for my best friend."





	1. feelings and shit, part one

**Author's Note:**

> ok listen it's been years since I've written anything but I've been watching tpb nonstop since last month and I'm gay. I have no other excuses. 
> 
> also, there's a part two to this so expect an update soon!

Fuck. I think I'm gay for my best friend.

Julian's nerves were wrecked. His fingers gripped his glass of rum and coke a bit too tight, and his face grew warm as a new pang of anxiety shot through his chest. On the list of things you should be thinking about while you're breaking into some guy's car to steal his stereo, that was definitely not one of them. 

"Fucksake, Julian, stop fumbling with it and hurry the hell up! We're gonna get caught!" Ricky hissed through his teeth. He stood in the driver side doorway to try and block what Julian was doing from view of any busybody that happened to pass through the parking lot. "You just tilt it and yank the fucking thing, I showed you how to do it with the last car!"

"Ricky, do me a favor and shut up." Julian bit back over his shoulder, swearing loudly when his white-knuckled fingers slipped from around the face of the stereo again. 

"Oh, for the love of—" Ricky roughly pushed him aside and ducked down into the car, practically squishing Julian against the seat as he leaned across him to get to the stereo. 

The car had felt cramped before, let alone with Ricky's broad, heavy frame bent over Julian's knees. Ricky's chest and stomach were pressed against Julian's lap as he pulled the stereo from the dash and untangled the wires; and with his thighs pinned between the seat and Ricky's torso, Julian could feel every breath Ricky took, every little shift of weight as he worked. And for some reason, it all made him want to down what was left of his drink. 

"Jackpot!" Ricky said, finally pulling the system free from the dash. He clambered out of Julian's lap, with a hand too close to Julian's inner thigh, and proceeded to stuff it down into the bag with the rest of them. "And that's five." He announced, glancing up at Julian.

Julian looked back at him, he didn't hear a fucking word that Ricky said. 

"Aw, don't worry about it, man." Ricky continued, oblivious. He stood up from his kneeling position, slinging the reusable grocery bag full of systems over his shoulder haphazardly. "You'll always have me around to steal the stereos for ya." 

Julian felt hot, so he took a drink. "Thanks, Rick." 

Ricky smiled lopsidedly, pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket and lighting it. "C'mon, let's get this shit back to J-Roc while it's still hot." He said around the cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, holding a hand out for Julian.

With a tug, Julian got out of the car and shut the door behind him. 

Man, he thought as he took another drink, I really need a drink.

-

"Jules, do you need anything while I'm in here?" Ricky asked, lighting his cigarette as he leaned through the passenger side window. "Chicken chips? Slim Jim? Coke?" He paused to take a long drag from the cigarette, and smoke pillowed from his nose a moment later, fogging up the windshield. "Chicken chips?"

"You already said that." Julian pointed out. "Look, what's got you so nervous, man?" He asked, handing Ricky a twenty and an extra five in case he went over. 

"Nothin', I'm just asking if you need anything." Ricky replied as he pocketed the cash, passing the cigarette over to Julian in return.

Julian studied him for a minute as he took the cigarette between his lips and inhaled. Ricky was lying out of his ass— that much was obvious— but Julian couldn't figure out what, exactly, the lie was supposed to be.

It'd been a little while since they'd had to resort to theft, but Julian was behind on the payment for his trailer and that was really the only place they could safely grow dope at the moment. They'd both agreed that they couldn't risk it.

But that didn't seem like the sort of thing Ricky would worry about when they had five working stereo systems in the backseat and a don't-ask-don't-tell deal lined up with J-Roc. 

"I'm good, Rick." Julian said as he shrugged. 

Ricky said nothing but he still smiled broadly and pat the roof of the car a couple times before he started into the convenience store. 

Julian took a drink. And if he payed a little too much attention to the way his best friend's shoulders swayed as he walked, the way they moved beneath his houndtooth shirt as he spun the sunglasses display on his way inside, that was nobody's business but his own. 

-

"Oh, fuck, it's Lahey." Ricky muttered as they pulled into the trailer park. The AC/DC song playing through the speakers cut off abruptly as Ricky quickly (and clumsily) pulled the stereo he'd installed in Julian's car from the dash and stashed it under the seat.

Julian silently agreed as he chewed at the sunflower seeds Ricky had picked up and slowed the car to a reluctant stop. He was not in the mood to deal with Randy and Mr. Lahey's bullshit, not today. Right now, he needed a warm bed, a fat blunt, and something much, much stronger to drink.

"Well, now." Mr. Lahey said with a stupidly smug grin as he leaned into the driver side window, not-so-subtlely looking into the backseat as he did. "Getting back awfully late tonight, aren't we? Out for a little walk under the stars, boys?" 

"Fuck off, Lahey." Ricky spat instantly, his hand coming to rest at the back of Julian's seat.

Julian tried to ignore the prickling heat at the back of his neck, annoyingly close to where Ricky's hand was. "C'mon Lahey, cut the shit." He said. "We've had a long day and it's hot as balls out here. Let us through." 

"Oh, sure." He said, but then he paused, pretending to remember something. "But, say, since you guys were out and about today... you two wouldn't happen to know anything about the recent string of stereo systems going missing, would you?"

"Nope, don't know a thing." Ricky said, spitting a sunflower seed past Lahey's face. 

"Of course you would say that, Rick." Mr. Lahey said through that fake-ass smile.

And this time when Ricky's face fell, Julian lost his temper. The driver door dinged as it was shoved open, and then there was resounding thump as it crashed— hard— into Lahey's knees. Julian stood up as Mr. Lahey stumbled and took another cautious step back, even as Randy rushed in to help.

"I told you, I've had a hard day and I'm not in the mood for either of your bullshit." Julian said. "We told you we don't know anything, so get the fuck away from my car." 

Lahey's mouth was agape for a brief moment before his lips curled into a snarl. "You two are gonna slip up one day, Julian." 

"Oh, get fucked, Lahey." Ricky said, leaning out of the passenger window with his middle finger in the air. He spit another sunflower seed at them for emphasis. 

Julian gestured lazily in agreement with Ricky. He got back into the car then, not bothering with his seat-belt this time around. The engine rumbled as he laid on the gas, so ready for the day to be over. 

As the car pulled further into the trailer park, and the dim yellow light from the lampposts behind them had faded, Julian felt something heavy and uncomfortable settling in his chest that ached whenever he breathed. And he was just entirely too sober to deal with any kind of emotional heaviness right now.

He glanced over at Ricky as the car came to a slow stop in the driveway next to his trailer. Now, the only light was that coming from the dashboard of the car and that from the moon overhead, but even then he could still make out Ricky's long eyelashes and the subtle curve of his lips. He was fidgeting absentmindedly with his lighter, flipping it open and shutting it over and over again, gazing out of the darkened passenger window at... something. Or maybe nothing. 

"Rick."

Ricky looked at Julian, and Julian looked back at him. 

"You sleeping in the car tonight?"

Ricky snorted. "S'not like I got nowhere else to be." He replied.

Julian took a drink. "Lucy still mad at you?" He asked, even though he already knew the answer. Julian wasn't stupid, he'd already suspected something was up earlier on in the day, but the way Ricky was acting at the corner store had really driven it home. It was easier for Julian to offer than it was for Ricky to ask. 

No matter how much shit changed, there was one everlasting truth about Ricky: no matter what, he'd always end up coming back to Julian. One way or another, that's just how it was. 

And, Julian was starting to realize, no matter what, he'd always be there for Ricky in the end. 

Ricky huffed and looked down, then scratched at the back of his neck as the embarrassment set in. "Ain't she always?"

Julian's chest rose as he sighed heavily, and he reached for the flask he kept in the glove compartment. "Ricky, why do you do this to yourself?" He asked, and he wasn't trying to be mean, the last thing he wanted to do right now was hurt Ricky. 

Ricky was quiet for a moment as he watched Julian fill his glass halfway and then pass the flask over. "What do you mean?" He asked finally after a moment of hesitation, or contemplation, or maybe both. 

"I mean, why do you keep going back to Lucy? You guys had a good thing going for a while but you just can't seem to make it work anymore." Julian explained. He watched Ricky barely trace the pad of his thumb over the lip of the flask before he took a drink. 

Ricky was entirely too quiet as he brought the flask to his lips. He was quiet as he tilted the flask back and let the liquor settle on his tongue, and he was quiet as it burned the back of his throat when he swallowed. He was quiet for a long time after that too, so quiet that Julian didn't think he had an answer at all. 

"I dunno," he confessed, "I guess I just wanna be loved, y'know?" Ricky replied at last, the words quiet on his liquor-stained lips. 

It was Julian's turn to fall silent. He took a drink. And then another. And one more after that. 

After a while, when his glass was empty and the only sound between them was the humming of the car motor, Julian looked at Ricky, and Ricky looked back at him.

"I think I'm gay, Rick."


	2. feelings and shit, part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look, when your best friend comes out to you, you gotta give him the best handjob ever to show him that he's still your best friend and that you love him.

Ricky blinked. "What?"

Julian sighed softly and let his eyes fall closed, then he leaned back against his seat. He brought a hand up to rest against his face and rubbed at his tired eyes. He sat in silence for a good while before he looked at Ricky again.

Ricky hadn't looked away.

"I dunno, man." Julian sighed again, shrugging half-heartedly as he let his hand fall back into his lap. "I mean, I spent all this time thinking I knew what love is supposed to be, but now I'm thinkin'... maybe I didn't know. Maybe I got it all wrong." He said as he stared down into his empty glass, sorely wishing he had something to drink.

Even then, Ricky still didn't look away. His long lashes fluttered as his dark blue eyes darted all over Julian's face, and it kinda felt like he was looking for something through the alcoholic haze clouding his mind. What, Julian couldn't say, but when Ricky finally seemed to find whatever it was he was looking for, he leaned back a little and exhaled slowly. 

Another moment or so passed silently between them, and when Ricky parted his lips to speak, nothing came out at first. He licked his lips and tried again, his voice a little softer. "I... I get that, Julian." He said. 

Julian didn't say anything about it, but Ricky was making him feel like an easily startled deer at the moment.

Ricky hesitated. "Uh, can I ask you somethin'?"

Julian shrugged and nodded.

Ricky pulled a cigarette from the pocket of his shirt and lit it. He inhaled slowly, and exhaled just the same, flipping his lighter open and closed all the while. "How long have you known?" He asked, offering the cigarette to Julian.

Julian took it. "A while, I guess." He admitted. "I just... didn't wanna think about it."

Ricky's brow furrowed at that. "Well... y'know, there's nothing wrong with being gay, Julian. Lots of people are gay. Hell, did you know that Elton John is gay?"

Julian couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.

Ricky visibly softened and matched Julian's grin with one of his own. He reached over and placed a comforting hand on Julian's shoulder. "I mean, hell, every man looks at other men sometimes." He said, still fidgeting with his lighter.

"Rick..."

"I do it all the time." Ricky continued, oblivious. "There's nothing wrong with finding another man attractive. As far as I'm concerned, if nature didn't want men to look at other men, it shouldn't have made men look like that."

"Ricky."

"I mean, you're good looking. I've always thought so. You have really pretty eyes, and your hair does that neat swoopy thing in the back, and your arms are thick as—" 

"Ricky!" Julian interrupted, grabbing Ricky's face in his hands while still managing to hold onto his glass. "Shut up for a second." He said, softer this time.

At first, Ricky opened his mouth, no doubt to say something in his defense, but stopped himself at the last second.

"Rick, I think you're gay." Julian said. "I think we're both gay." 

Ricky stared at him for a minute or so. "Yeah." He said, his voice caught in his throat. "Okay." 

Julian started to let go of Ricky's face, only to look down and find that Ricky had grabbed the front of his shirt and was firmly holding him in place. He looked back up at Ricky.

"So..." Ricky glanced down for a brief second, his lashes fluttering as he blinked. "So, kiss me, then?"

Julian didn't say anything. To be perfectly honest, he wasn't sure he could at the moment. But he nodded. As he brought Ricky's face closer to his own, he felt Ricky tugging relentlessly at his shirt, and it only stopped when their lips were pressed together.

Julian felt a warmth inside his chest, that fluttered as Ricky's hand came to settle against his side. And as Ricky's hand slowly trailed up Julian's chest, the warm feeling climbed higher too, warming his face and making him feel a little lightheaded.

When they pulled apart, Ricky looked just as dazed as Julian felt.

"Holy shit." Ricky said. "Do that again." 

"Rick, we're sitting in my driveway." Julian said, only half-serious, but Ricky wasn't listening. 

Ricky practically launched himself out of his seat, pulling the key out from the ignition and abandoning it somewhere behind him. With a quick search under Julian's seat for the recliner lever, he pushed the seat back in one swift movement. 

Julian grunted as his seat was reclined back, but he didn't have a chance to be mad about it as Ricky's weight settled fully in his lap. "Horndog." He said with the faintest hint of a laugh in his voice, reaching blindly for Ricky in the pitch black of the car, still holding his empty glass in his other hand. 

Ricky laughed, his breath hot against Julian's ear. "Guess I'm a sucker for a good kiss." He said, his hand resting tenderly against the side of Julian's face. 

"Hm." Julian hummed his agreement, Ricky's lips finding his own in the dark. He was pleasantly surprised at how much he liked kissing Ricky. Ricky's lips were soft but firm against his own, and he kissed him with a passion.   
Julian jumped in surprise and nearly bit Ricky's tongue when he felt him pinching his nipple through his shirt. "You horny fucker." He rasped, giving Ricky's shoulder a firm shove.

Ricky laughed, but didn't stop himself from doing it again just to feel Julian's back arch beneath him. "Yeah? You're the one who likes his tits being played with."

Julian rolled his eyes. "You started this, damn horndog." 

"You want me to stop?" Ricky asked.

"If you stop now I'm going to beat your ass." Julian said, and he could feel Ricky grinning against his neck. "Ricky, I'm serious. Today's been a long day and I just told you I'm gay, don't just turn me on and then leave me to jerk myself off." 

Ricky's grin widened, and Julian groaned again as Ricky went back to groping him shamelessly. "Wouldn't dream of it, Jules." He said, sincerely. "I love you, man. You're my best friend, and I'm gonna give you the best handjob."

Julian didn't have a chance to say anything before Ricky's hand was gripping his dick through his pants, and both of Julian's thighs jerked as blood rushed to his groin. He inhaled sharply. "Rick..."

"Yeah?" Ricky replied, mostly out of habit, as his hand stroked Julian's dick through his pants. Admittedly, he was a little unsure at first, as he'd never done anything with another man before, but he knew what he liked and the rolling movements of Julian's hips reassured him that he was doing something right.

Julian, on the other hand, was certain that he'd never been more sure of anything in his life. If he'd known that this was what he was missing, he would've punched his past self for being such a dope.

Ricky was still absentmindedly kneading Julian's tits, even with his focus elsewhere, and every time Ricky's thumb caught Julian's nipple, Julian's back would arch and his blunt nails would dig harder into Ricky's back. And with every slow caress of his cock through his jeans, Julian's hips rocked eagerly into the friction. 

Ricky couldn't stifle the soft noise he made at the back of his throat, appraising Julian like he was an honest-to-God gem. "You look so fuckin' good, Julian." He breathed, shifting the tiniest bit closer to him.

Julian moaned in reply, his throat a little too dry to form proper words. He still hadn't let go of his empty glass, but his hand came to rest against the swell of Ricky's ass anyway, pulling him closer.

It was Ricky's turn to moan, finally letting himself settle fully into Julian's space, and he was rewarded by Julian's hips jerking up against his thigh and the way Julian's hand squeezed his ass as he arched into him. Ricky couldn't help himself, he started to rut against Julian's thigh while he undid his fly, the feeling just too good to resist.

Julian groaned when he realized that Ricky was fully grinding against his thigh as he pulled his cock free from his pants. Julian reached up and latched onto Ricky's collar, all teeth and tongue, sucking a large, dark purple mark into his freckled skin.

Ricky cried out, his hips stuttering against Julian's thigh. "Fuck, Julian, you're gonna make me wake up the whole trailer park if you keep that up!" He hissed.

Julian chuckled in acknowledgement, but that did nothing to stop him from gently sinking his teeth into Ricky's shoulder as Ricky wrapped his hand fully around Julian's dick.

Ricky full-on whined, jerking Julian's cock in genuine, full strokes.

Julian panted hotly into Ricky's shoulder, the friction and rhythm of Ricky's movements overwhelming him. "Rick, I'm not gonna last much longer." He warned.

"Uh-huh." Ricky agreed, damn near riding Julian's thigh by now. "Kiss me?" He asked again, his voice wavering slightly like he was worried he was crossing some sort of line by asking. 

Julian's hand found the back of Ricky's head, fingers stroking through his hair as he pulled him into another kiss.

"I love you, man." Ricky said.

"I love you too, Rick." Julian replied instinctively, but found that he didn't much mind saying it. It felt right, just as it always had. "You're so good to me." 

"Jules, fuck—" Ricky gasped and moaned, his movements becoming faster and jerkier.

Just as Julian realized that Ricky was cumming against his thigh, his own orgasm hit hard enough to make his vision go white and his knees jerk harshly. He groaned loudly, 'til his voice dissolved into a hoarse cry, all while Ricky's hand obediently stroked him through the tremors.

When the aftershocks had finally faded and Julian could think clearly again, he winced softly, suddenly aware that Ricky was still jerking his overly sensitive cock. It was way too much to handle after an orgasm that hard, so Julian put a hand on Ricky's wrist to still his movements. 

Julian looked down at Ricky, who had raised his head to look up at him.

"Rick, did you—"

"Yeah."

"Holy shit."

Ricky laughed. 

Julian sat there for a moment, his skin slick with sweat and cum. He needed a shower, and he was certain that Ricky did too. "You wanna come in for a while?" He offered. "You can use my shower." 

"Mm. Yeah, okay." He agreed. "D'you got any hot dogs?" Ricky asked as he sat up, his voice heavy with exhaustion. 

"Yeah." 

By the time they got inside, the exhaustion from a good fuck had set into their bones. Their showers were quick, as neither of them wanted to spend any more time in the bathroom than they had to. 

And afterwards, Julian poured them both a drink and sat down on the couch while Ricky microwaved hot dogs and ate saltines from the box in his underwear. 

Everything felt... entirely normal.

Even when Ricky joined Julian on the couch and asked to hold his hand while they watched hockey together, with one of Bubbles' cats snuggling between them. 

Everything was just as normal as it had always been, just... better now. Way better.

Julian was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3


End file.
